i n s p i r e d . . .

I was once told by an ex that I didn't love him as much as a prior love because I wouldn't go the extra mile for him.  While ultimately, he may have had a valid point, now that I think back on it knowing my ideas on love have significantly changed-- at the time, it was irrelevant to my reasoning.  In retrospect, it wasn't that I loved him any less, it was simply that I loved myself more than the both of them.

I'm beginning to think that perhaps we find ourselves in certain situations repeatedly because we missed the opportunities before to rise above them...  or come out of them stronger, or more knowledgeable.  Often times, I am put in predicaments that I am unhappy with, and all the while I enable the situation to continue by not speaking up.  I dance around the topic while complaining that I wish something would change.  Eventually, circumstances change, along with my current focus, and what was once a nuisance becomes a non-issue, and I'm dealt a new trial through which to navigate.  It gets comfortable not having the past worry on the table until, of course, it arises again, and the tangled web of chaos that is my mind resurfaces.  I have always wished that I could be stronger mentally, emotionally, and physically, and I think that until I finally face my fears by standing up for what I believe is right, my silence will always be driven by them.

I am smart and beautiful.  Many people appreciate my company.  I am greatly loved.  My words are powerful and have meaning.  No one focuses on my shortcomings.  Good things are in store for me.  I am inspired and driven to accomplish my goals.  I gain nothing in negative thinking but worry and stress.  I own many blessings that I am grateful for.  I have a wonderful life.  My friends and family are the greatest gifts I will ever receive.  I love myself for who I am and who I will become.  I am in charge of my own success.  I am magnificent. I am special. I am unique.

Underneath, it's like when getting what you want doesn't even make you happy anymore.  As if you want to be loved, accepted and cared for unconditionally and somehow in getting that, you manage to shift your ideas about whose role is what and where you stand or how you think people should react to you but they won't.  It's insanely maddening!  Because on the one hand, you don't want to be the person you are when you're around them but yet, you can't stand the person you are when you're without them.  And you constantly question your motives and overanalyze and you play music like somehow that's going to explain your life away.  Has the world gone completely insane or have you just finally found a picture on the wall that doesn't actually belong to you?  Oh and of course, you would get to the point where you don't even know what you're saying anymore.  

I have a box of wheat waffles. They are delicious.  I eat one for breakfast most mornings.  We enjoy each other thoroughly.  I'm curious about something though. The nutritional information tells me that if I eat one, I can expect to consume eighty calories.  Okay, cool.  But what if I want two?  Which, I usually don't, but for sake of argument, let us discuss what I could expect to acquire in calories... it says one hundred and seventy.  *insert quizzical face*   Uh, okay, so, should I just eat one at a time to avoid those ten extra calories?

I was extremely excited because for the past five days, my headaches had become almost non-existent.  A few days out of the week, I had to take what I consider preventative measures (Tylenol) to keep my mild discomfort from turning into a full blown problem.  This seemed to keep the intensity at bay.  I was looking forward to going back to my doctor's appointment being able to confidently tell him that we've cleared up my issue and an MRI would not be necessary.  Yesterday, my head began to ache full force even after I took medicine and it carried on throughout the day.  It lessened after I left work and was pretty much gone when I arrived home.  I figured it was just aggravated due to my staring at the computer monitor all day.  But, I guess it's not that afterall, because I woke up this morning with a pounding headache and so far, Tylenol has not helped.  This is really quite disturbing.

I always get nervous when new people move into the rent property next door.  Although, not for the typical reason you would think; my being scared to get to know someone new.  Actually, the older I get, the more I find that I'll pretty much talk to anyone, so it's not that I'm nervous about making new friends or acquaintances.  The issue I tend to have with my neighbors is the neglect I have to witness when they have animals for the mere sake of having them.  I cannot begin to describe how infuriated I get when they do this.  My anxiety was justified last night as I listened to one of their dogs bark and the other howl and cry all night because the owners tied them to trees in the back and then left for the night.  No food, no water, no shelter.  What the hell?  I'd hoped they would return with a late night load of belongings so that the dogs would ultimately be tended to.  No such luck. 

I have some reservations about these dogs because they are both larger dogs and either part pit bull or full-blooded.  I have a small dog and will have to be extremely careful when taking her outside.  Looks can be deceiving because I assumed the darker fella was going to be aggressive when I took them water this morning but he was very friendly.  The other guy didn't know what to make of me and let me know he was not at all happy that I was in his space.  I know better than to approach dogs this way but I felt really sad that they might be in the heat all day without food or water.  So, I just did what I had to do.  I will never understand why people don't have more compassion for animals than they do.  When you take something in to care for it, the least you can do is actually care for it.

Everyday it seems another weighty decision to make is just around the corner.  This constant always having to take into account how it's going to make me look or how it will make everyone else feel.  I just want to scream.  There is little left to go around with so many depending on me.  I do want to help but feel like I'm losing a little bit more of myself each time in the process.  And then the guilt sets in if I didn't go the extra mile because I know eventually the people I love will be gone and I will regret not giving more.  It's an unavoidable issue right now considering the fuel for this fire is driven by the constant reminder that when I had the chance to step in and do something, I didn't and with that, many lives have been altered.  Sometimes I place blame around the room instead atop my shoulders but at the end of the day, it is only me in my reflection and I cannot exonerate the girl I see staring back at me.

My biggest worry is that when I hand her over and she doesn't want to go, she feels like I am rejecting her.  How do you explain to a three year old that there are just rules in life we have to follow, even when it's the last thing we want to do?  It breaks my heart to have to walk away from her knowing she's reaching her arms out to me and crying.  I wonder, should I cry too?  Would that let her know that I'm not happy about this circumstance any more than she is or is it my job to remain upbeat and smile?  I continually reassure her that there will be another chance for us to be together; that I will return soon.  But that really doesn't offer either of us comfort in the moment when we both need it most.

Right now, the truth is, I am not good.  I have happy moments and I'm managing to make the most of each day but deep down, I am weeping my heart out.  My mind gets no rest because the thoughts keep me unsettled.  There is so much I have no control over and I'm having a hard time accepting that.  My life is so good. I realize I am very blessed and yet, while I know I deserve to be happy, the nagging thoughts of what people I love are going through will not let me be.  I want to be a good sister, a wonderful daughter, a loving aunt, a great friend and an exceptional wife but I feel like I come short in every aspect.  I am so overwhelmed and I don't know where to start to find peace again.